hollowmenpoet's poem

On 7/25/05, t e <hollowmenpoet@gmail.com> wrote:

Payment for the Deed

Sadly he stood and watched her bid farewell
Sole finger raised against the blazing sun
Never again to feel her heated lips
Time had both ripened and spoiled their love
Ah, and truly one rotten thought remained
Is this all this city has to offer?
Blood splitting cold sealed off his heart that day
A contrast to the heat they used to share
The fountain taunted his every thought
A wicked demon haunting his weak prey
He tasted strong regret within his mouth
Dark bile raising from his deed done wrong
If only rested in his troubled mind
He had not bed the maid for quite so long!


From: j d <holysonnetx@gmail.com>Date: Aug 4, 2005 12:00 AM

I am wondering if this is a sonnet that came from the very first day of class when we had to each contribute a line. This seems to besimilar in theme. I smiled when I read the last few lines. I did nottake it seriously. I am not sure that is the poet's intent. I have ahard time with the word bile. This may just be because of somemedical history I have pertaining to this word, but I think it is too foul of a word for this poem.

From: E <secondcomingpoet@gmail.com>Date: Aug 2, 2005 9:36 PM

I don't find much here I can care about. There is a bad romance novel
that redwheelbarrow pointed out or the overdone adjectives that neutraltones noticed. I like the idea of the poem--the regret afterthe sexual act, but I am too easily distraced by what sounds a bitlike arrogance on the part of the protagonist (is this all this city has to offer?)There is a serious attempt here to use visual imagery in a new way,however some of this just doesn't work (what is "blood splittingcold"?), it isn\'t approachable.Go with the theme, but lose the cliches and the archaic voice. Maybeeven lose the sonnet form--or at least lose that weak rhyme (long,wrong) in the last stanza.--E--

From: w s <sonnet29@gmail.com>Date: Jul 27, 2005 3:07 PM

The imagery was vivid and daring and memorable; although, disjointed. The poem was depressing from the first word; I find nothing in it ofconsequence. My head hurts looking at it. Love gone bad--a pity--perhaps another poem.

From: t h <neutraltones@gmail.com>Date: Jul 27, 2005 12:04 AM

The poet is doing a nice job with words in this poem. I found them to be moving. But upon a third reading I started to think maybe the reduction of adjectives would have benefitted the piece like has been suggested in workshop many times. I do like this poem, though. I hear the echoes of loss and regret. Isuppose I am torn on this poem. It is almost whimsical. Maybe this poem is trying to be too many things, or maybe this critic is just reading too much into what is not there.

From: w w <redwheelbarrowpoet@gmail.com>Date: Jul 26, 2005 6:07 PM

I am thrown by the final line. Is the maid the same woman he speaks ofearlier or the woman who, perhaps, caused his lover to flee? Is this apassing fling in a visited city or his true love? The tone is strongand almost cursing to a point. I think "sadly" should be taken out asit tells the reader how to feel. The language reads like a work from a period long ago, perhaps in Elizabethan times. Words such as "bid,""truly" and "prey," seem overly dramatic. Also, "Dark bile," and "deed done wrong" interrupt the flow of the poem. I need more images here. I cannot picture the woman or the man, but I do sense his crazed anger and deep sorrow. The mood is evident. This is more of an emotional lyric, yet missing the mark in description as it tells the reader how to feel rather than describing the images that cause the speaker's pain. It has some possibilities yet needs to be more than just an emotion.

From: t e <hollowmenpoet@gmail.com>Date: Aug 6, 2005 12:27

I agree that overall this is a weak poem/sonnet, whatever you want to call it. Although it has an amusing flow to it, it's fairly superficial and doesn't really evoke any serious feeling except humor. I think this poet is probably evil and pathetic; i mean, imaginebeing caught with the maid! Not so nice