holysonnetx's poem

Hi Chad.
This is my poem that has made the rounds. It seems like everyone had some really helpful comments. As far as the repetition of the word naked, well the poem I was modeling was called Morning. I used the word naked at every point in the poem that Neruda used morning in his. Thanks...this has been fun.


From: j d holysonnetx@gmail.com Date: Jul 23, 2005 11:43 AM

Naked
after Pablo Neruda

Naked, we paint a portrait with impure tongues,
slick, milky, soft, transient, ripe:
we are flesh-seekers, at-ease:
naked, our skin is folded like simple paper hearts.

Naked, we are light as an Eskimo kiss;
we have wine dripping from our lips;
naked, we topple toward the morning
like snowflakes floating to the ground.

Naked, we are sticky like cotton candy-
hot, silent, matted, we bathe each other
solely with the sweet stain of lovemaking,
as if our sins will somehow erase like burning stars:
our offenses just needing too much-
become the color between the space.

On 7/25/05, t e hollowmenpoet@gmail.com wrote:

I love some of the images that dance across the page. For instance, we bathe each other solely with the sweet stain of lovemaking and the idea of impure tongues truly hits home. I would consider trying to reword some of the similes to ease on the like and as. They tend to trip up the flow and sound almost cliche when used so often. Although I find the last line interesting, i don't really understand it. I feel like I'm missing something, but I'm not sure exactly what that is. Overall, a very interesting subject. Tweak it and I think you've really got something!

From: t h <neutraltones@gmail.com>Date: Jul 26, 2005 11:59 PM

I would change the repetition of 'naked.' In this poem, the repetition almost seems forced. Repetition should complement the poem, not interfere with it and I think 'naked' does just that. How much more effective would the poem had been with just the title "Naked" and no mention of the word in the poem? I also agree that the cliches could've been done better. The language play is clever, but the elimination of the trite would go a long way to improving this poem into something great. I love sex poems because besides the actual act, and the possible exception of rock and roll music, nothing captures sex like a well-written poem. This poem could possibly serve as a sequel to "To His Coy Mistress"taken to the next level.

On 7/26/05, w w redwheelbarrowpoet@gmail.com wrote:

The imagery is vivid and hypnotic. I like the sound of naked though it may be over-used. "our skin is folded like simple paper hearts" is powerful. I also like"color between the space" as a conclusion. Some of the lines read a> bit like cliches such as, "flesh-seekers," "topple toward the morning," and "sticky like cotton candy." It is a very sensuous piece. It makes me a bit frisky. Oh, I'm sorry. I got caught in the tempting mood.The poem is delicious and inviting. God, I hope a woman wrote this. If not, forget what I said. You need to break up "slick, milky, soft, transient, ripe." There's too much there to savor. Also, transient kills the mood. Overall though, I could eat this one up. Sorry. Your mood carries me away. This is exactly how I want a poem to make me feel. Good work!

From: w s sonnet29@gmail.com Date: Jul 27, 2005 2:55 PM

More action verbs might strengthen the piece. It was sensuous andsensual; I began salivating as I read it; the imagery was rewarding.The final stanza feels weaker--why "offenses and sins"--these wordsand ideas seem to detract from the poem's initial effect. Yet this isthe way we tend to beat ourselves up.

From: E <secondcomingpoet@gmail.com>Date: Aug 2, 2005 9:24 PM

I disagree with some of the comments here. The repetition of "Naked"doesn't distract, I think it reinforces the moment the poet isreliving. On the other hand, while some of the imagery is wonderfullyfresh and startling ( our skin is folded like simple paper hearts, thecolor between the space, light as an Eskimo kiss) some is too ordinaryif not cliche (snowflakes floating to the ground).I love the soundplay in "we are flesh-seekers, at-ease", now can youdo that with "slick, milky, soft, transient, ripe"? The first threeand the last one here are concrete, visual, but have no strong soundconnection. "Transient" while interesting seems too abstract. Playwith that line some more.Overall this is a good poem. I like the voice; as someone else said,it's frisky.Good stuff. "E"